Singleness

I just like having a blog. Its my private retreat online! especially now that I am in front of the computer most of the time. I am a silent lurker of some blogs. One of which is about Singleness. Hmmm. Its where I am right now. Happily single :) that is. I prefer the articles written by Mr. Jason. He writes well, I'd say. There is nothing new to what he has written. I pretty know much all those but I guess its the way he writes that makes it worthwhile reading over and over again. In a nutshell? keep the main thing the main thing. Worship. Am I overspiritualizing things?

I like the way the way he writes, which I will post here for my easy reference, I normally jot these things down on paper. Generally, not just on this topic. Any wording I fancy, or take notice because of how its phrased. Tee-hee-ha! I am after the writing style, word choice, and all the other things that make written material good reading-at least in my book.


A few words for the women on this one:

remove your name from his hat of contestants.

make way for someone who only has eyes for you.

smothering him with attention

if you make yourself part of his harem, don't complain when he treats you as such (Ugh!) can't help but react this one

Seek God's face for the one best fashioned for you.

don't be the lost puppy dog following his every footstep. (yikes!) there goes another comment.

Because this need for connection is so fundamental to our design, when it goes unmet for any real length of time, serious consequences usually result

Loneliness - over time - gives way to depression. If a human being's deprivation in this area results in radical isolation, it can even lead to mental breakdown.

It is important for singles to constantly remember that God knows and understands how He designed us and does not take unmet needs fundamental to our design lightly. And, as in all things, His grace provides a buffer for us when these needs go unmet.

One of these "grace buffers"

Granted, the relationships David might have been referring to were less than exemplary.

His marriage to Saul's daughter, Michal, was fraught with tension.

She was domineering and treacherous, and scripture indicates that Saul gave her in marriage to David specifically because he knew she would "be a snare to him."

I have been fortunate to have several such relationships over the course of my Christian journey, and testify to the power of these friendships in offsetting some of my own unmet God-given desires.

Be intentional about finding your Jonathan.

David and Jonathan were brought into one another's proximity by God's providence.

If you notice someone in your life that fits the description of a Jonathan, invest heavily in the relationship.

Singles often try to amass as many friends as possible,

is nothing wrong with enriching and expanding your social circle.

this can result in the illusion that quantity equals quality.

Don't look at them as a second-rate substitute for...

NOW THIS, I HAVE TO COPY PASTE ENTIRELY!

My approach to single issues has always been a bit different. I spend a lot of my time seeking to bring singles into balance with their single life...trying to help them avoid the trap of thinking their lives aren't really significant until they find a mate.

Others are doing a great job communicating to singles the more practical issues of wisdom, building character, and preparing for godly union with the opposite sex. My burden has been somewhat different - I want to help Christian singles break free of the painful yearning that invariably leads to a deep dissatisfaction with single life. As I said last time, one need not let go of their desire and hope for marriage to enjoy a very satisfied experience as a single today. And while many singles are satisfied and productive, far too many are not.

In keeping with this, let me share some of the things that have encouraged and stabilized my single life over the years. These are not coping skills. Let me be very clear about that. At the same time, some of these tools may help break the "coping pattern," so that one can live a free, healthy, and satisfying single life right now.

1. Invest yourself in Bible study and prayer. As a single, you probably have significantly fewer distractions and responsibilities competing for your time and attention. Take advantage of that. This bit of advice often gets a big "eye roll" from singles. I cannot express how often I've realized that some of the most special times I've experienced with God are the result of His ability to call me into the place of scripture study and prayer on a moment's notice. As a married person (especially once you have children) you will likely have to make time for God. As a single, you have a surplus of time (comparatively speaking). Invest it in your relationship with God. The expansion of your soul in Christ is the number one way to develop a settled sense of deep contentment as you wait on God for your husband or wife.

2. Develop relationships. Families tend to be somewhat insular. Not isolated, but insular. I knew most of my married friends while they were still single. I would estimate that once they married, my time with them was cut by about 90%. Once they had children, it was cut by about 98%. Some of these relationships are practically "phone" or "email" only relationships today. That is just the nature of putting your family first. Many singles naively think that married life, for them, will not represent a significant encroachment upon their time or prior relationships. It probably will, and there is nothing wrong or abnormal about that. So you want to take time to really invest in your circle of friends right now. Not only will you be grateful for the time you invested in that fellowship later, but deep and open relationships will go a long, long way in keeping you emotionally healthy and balanced as a single.

3. Find ways to serve. Can we be honest for a moment? Single to single here? Much of the dissatisfaction singles experience comes from an unhealthy focus on self. Spending too much time thinking about myself and what I want that I don't have. Service to others will not only bring you closer to God, but it has a dramatic tendency to turn the heart outward. Do not misunderstand me. I am not saying that rational self-interest or personal desires are bad! I am saying that when we dwell too much on unfulfilled desires, it can take a toll on our emotional health. Practical service is a great way to keep our unmet hopes from being too all consuming.

Now, for a couple of tips that aren't so spiritual.

4. Get out of the house! I make it a regular habit to get out and do something, even if its by myself. Some of the best times I've had were the result of spontaneous solo ventures. Road trips. Concerts. Art galleries. Walks in the city. Coffee shops. Even restaurants. I could probably spend the rest of my life alone in a coffee shop, as long as I had some good books and an iPod. There is little more depressing than sitting alone in your house or apartment, watching TV. If this is your primary mode of existence, do not be surprised if much of your time is spent in a pattern of "wishing" for something else.

5. Invest in interests and find new ones. Do you have an interest or a hobby? Take the time to invest in it. Take that spare time to develop a talent or reach a goal. Keep your life in motion. Because I know that things can get old and tired once they are too familiar, be proactive in developing new interests. By looking into the interests of friends, combing local publications for events, and just trying different things out, I have developed numerous interests and pleasures over the last several years that have served to keep life fresh and interesting.

So, some of this might come off as just being kind of trite or consolatory. But I am telling you, if you'll take these things to heart, over time you'll find they go a long way in helping you maintain a sense of wholeness, while helping you avoid falling into patterns of yearning and dissatisfaction.

AND ANOTHER,


"The cool side of singleness? Is there any such thing???" In my experience, there most certainly is. I actually believe it is quite readily available for all singles...but, alas, so many singles are in such a state of despair over their singleness that they cannot see it.

Being the inquisitive person I can be, I've conducted highly personal interviews with married friends over the years. Every last one of them has expressed the same sentiment: "Marriage is wonderful. I wouldn't trade it. But do not despise singleness. You give up important things with marriage that you can never get back. Consider those things deeply and make the most of them now."

I like to think of my view of marriage as being a bit on the realistic side. In my mind, marriage is not a "cure" for singleness. I am absolutely positive that it is not a cure for loneliness. The human heart can be lonely in a crowd. Marriage is a trade-off in many ways. We exchange all the problems, pains, joys, and benefits of single life, for the problems, pains, joys, and benefits of married life.

Interestingly, the apostle Paul actually tells us that married life can, in fact, be more burdensome than single life. He says, "Those who marry in this life will have trouble and I am trying to spare you this." I know someone will pounce on me here, but remember - all I did was quote Paul.

So what is my point? To say singleness is BETTER than marriage? Absolutely not!! My point is to remind singles that singleness is not "a state of waiting to find my husband or wife." Sadly, this is exactly what singleness is for so many...even Christians.

Singles should be proactive with their singleness. Singles should ask God what He would seek to accomplish through their singleness. Singleness is an unparalleled opportunity to serve God. Paul also said, "The unmarried person is completely devoted to God, while the married person is divided...part on pleasing God, part on pleasing their spouse."

For example, one friend recounted for me how precious his time with God was in the mornings before he was married. Once marriage came, there was a distraction. Then came the first child. He said, "Boy, I love my family. They are the greatest gift God has ever given me. But I also miss those precious times in the morning with God. Sometimes the responsibility of family just invades that intimacy."

Singles have such an opportunity to seek and serve God without distraction. Without competing responsibilities. If you find your mate, by all means go for it!! But don't get so lost in your dreams for a mate that today's opportunities get lost. Don't get so lost in your desire for a husband or wife that you forget altogether the advantages of your singleness.

One of my greatest burdens for singles in the Body of Christ is to see them let go of the pain and yearning that keeps them in bondage until their wedding day. It need not be that way. It need not. One can find satisfaction in Christ and His call today without necessarily giving up hope for a mate tomorrow. One can always get married tomorrow, but you don't get a "do-over" on your singleness once you've married.

NOW THIS IS GETTING LONG, I WILL POST THE OTHER ARTICLE NEXT TIME.