feverish

Its a bit past 7pm and Aidan's home with Grace. And I have been wondering why I am feeling weird the whole morning. Turns out I have slight fever. I think so. Aidan has it a bit full blown.

I've been feeling funny the whole day. I know I should attribute this mood swing to something-was it carbohydrate overload? pasta and brownies is a deadly combination, I guess. Sugar rush might be the culprit.

Amidst all the festivities and the trimmings, I feel empty I don't know why. I guess its a time to seek within. Why do I feel that Iam not yet in God's perfect will for my life.. and so I wait, I wait for God to open doors and as I wait Lord, help me wait with faith and expectancy.

I want to go out to be with friends but somehow, I feel like I should not, and I prefer to stay home and be with me first. iwonder if that sounds selfish, but its really what I want to do first.

Did my post have a lot of "I's" in it?

Is this self-centeredness altogether? There are a lot of things to lift up to God- Lord remind me to be thankful for the million and one things that Your grace has so generously bestowed upon us.

I know that how I feel should never be used as a yardstick to measure Your truths, Your promises and this is where faith enters.

Lord, I know that You are in control, help me in my unbelief.
Thank You because You died for that too.

Later blog.

Thanks for hearing me out..

after the holidays

I should have written "after the holiday.." I mean, the Christmas holiday. I ate a lot yesterday. A bit salty potato salad and quite sweet fruit salad, dehydrated pancit,ever faithful lechon manok, blueberry cheesecake and brownies, laing with visible fist-sized pork fat, some grape juice, lots of oranges. Yes. burp burp. Nah. I didnt even taste laing. It was swimming in pork lard. Tita Cher brought ham and some cheese. Both tasted good.

Let me reach for another brownie before I continue writing this post. I decided to settle for a cupcake instead..

Im listening to preaching on "Knowing God's Perfect Will.." I am at this stage of my christian life when I am becoming impatient with myself. I desire to know God more and more.. I want to know Him more, I want to know His perfect will for my life and I want to be in it. As I type, I wonder if I am in it. "Lord, am I in Your perfect will right now?"

Better concentrate on my listening..

Later blog.

Glory be to God in the highest. Peace on earth and goodwill to men.

Dear Blog,

Its been a while. You always get bumped off due to my hectic schedule as an elementary school teacher here in a school in Araneta, Quezon City. I wonder why God has led me here. I know He has a purpose. Foremost,teaching here was an answered prayer. Right after school, I wanted to be employed in a Chinese christian school with a small class size. My principal asked me to demo-teach in a class of 15 grade five students and so I became excited. Right now, I have 25 students in all and it is my first time to teach in such a setting. Im beginning to get the hang of what we do here, and the school year is almost over.

I hear Sadie crying. I wonder why.. I better go down to check on her. I miss blogging, capturing my musings in this square online sheet to be read by no one else but me.

Meanwhile, I better get going. I am going downstairs to check on mum and pop, also the kiddie-does, they are crying, must be sleepy.

Your grace is sufficient for me, Your strength is made perfect in my weakness, Oh Lord.

Bondservant

I am in my brother's room. Piled on my left are books for checking. On his bed are formal theme notebooks which I just finished checking. Writing, really, is one of the waterloos of my students. Only 5 out of my 25 students got a passing score.

With all these checking work, I am beginning to dislike my job. I don't mind all this checking- but with the deadlines, I panic a bit. I know, I know, that "fear not" has been mentioned in the bible many times. Right now, I want to draft my resignation letter, or at least verbally express my intent to leave.

I really, really do.

As I listen to Blackaby's audio devotions,I hear him talk about not having the right to make our own plans for our own life because we gave up that right the moment we became christians. WE as Paul describes, are bondservants of Jesus Christ.WE as servants never tell our Master what to do, rather, we as servants just wait for instructions from the Master. He further expands that in the old testament, He is our potter and we are the clay.

I want to cry.

Lord am I a student now? Am I the teacher, a student now in Your school. Am I being disobedient, unyielding to Your will for me? Help me in the littleness of my faith with the limitations of my mind. I am inclined to panic and cringe in fear. I feel powerless but I know that I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. Its not about what I see around me but its all about Your promises.

I remember You told me before, if I will still work abroad.... I remember it so well.
Please help me. You who brought me here will be faithful to uphold me. Preserve me Oh God for I put my trust in You. Whoever goes to the Lord for safety, whoever remains under the protection of the Almighty can say to Him, You are my Defender and Protector, You are my God in Whom will I trust. He will keep you safe from all hidden dangers and from all deadly diseases. He will cover you with His wings, you will be safe in His care.

... because He has loved me, I will set him on high.

I have nothing to hold on to except Your promises.

In Jesus' Name,
amen!

Why Fall in Love?

I avoid falling for anyone, nor letting anyone fall for me. It is pointless at this time to entertain such thoughts. I have goals and these emotions just might get in the way of their completion. I wonder too, if I am again living under the law, I wonder if this behavior stems from operating under the law, not under grace.

Its a lazy Saturday morning. I will be heading for school in a while to get textbooks, workbooks and formal theme notebooks which I will be checking. I love to teach, its the checking and the making of grades which I need to master. I will be attending the bible study later, the topic is on the faithfulness of God and the details that He requires for christians to follow.

My brother is still snoring. He is driving me to school. And we agreed on leaving early. I wont wake him up-

For some reason, I woke up early, but not that early because I was unable to attend the dawnwatch service. I was up at 11:30. I chanced upon "Little Women" at TCM. I watched a bit, and decided to go to bed.

I hear my nephew's voice. I better go down.
Later, blog.

Psalm 23

I remember how Psalm 23 became very real to me while I was doing my thesis, how the words sprang to life, how He was my cheer and company during those difficult times. I had nothing then but I was in all sufficiency with His word. I could not see anything at the end of the road. My eyes were often blurry with tears. My heart wrenched and I was groping in the dark but not too long and not feeling totally helpless for it was then that I learned that truth- Whom have I in heaven but Thee, there is nothing on earth I desire besides Thee. I experienced Him in ways I never did before. Now I go back to it because I need to. I'll be typing the chapter, line by line. With my bible beside me, I read, pause, and reflect on His role in my life as my Shepherd. I am forever grateful for the promises in His word and the comfort of His presence. And I know that nothing else would suffice. Nothing would ever, ever replace the fullness of joy with Jesus.

The LORD Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.

1The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. Here, I am reminded that nothing beats having the Lord Himself as our shepherd. Mind you, Lord is followed by is. He is our shepherd. Not was, will be, but is. He is right before us, right beside us, right in us, steering our wheel, blocking our way if the need be so to prevent us from danger. I'm really a little child walking around in this maze called life and I stretch out my tiny hand to be enveloped in his palms. The word my comes after is and that brings me to a very personal relationship with Him. He is my shepherd. He is the shepherd of great Christians in the past-George Mueller, Adonirah Judson, Hudson Taylor, great men of God, known preachers who set pulpits aflame- and He is mine too. As He was in their lives, so is He is in mine and as He met them in the deepest recesses of their hearts so He meets me.

I shall not want. I have no lack for anything. Foremost, what else could I ever need if I have Him? Whom have I in heaven but Thee, there is nothing on earth I desire besides Thee..I am immediately reminded of the hymn Thine own great presence to cheer and to guide.. Your presence is indeed great Lord. Your presence is indeed great..

Its 6:09 in the morning now I got up from bed really early, and instead of heading for church to attend the dawnwatch, I chose to meditate on the 23rd of Psalm as I write.The birds are chirping their morning call. I hear the sound of sweeping outside. Must be our neighbor-broomstick in hand, gathering all brown, crunchy, snappy, curled leaves into a heap.

Will treat ma to breakfast outside.

Thank You Lord for this morning, This is the day that the Lord has made! I will rejoice and be glad in it my Shepherd.

Sorry

. . . fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ . . . —1 Thessalonians 3:2


After sanctification, it is difficult to state what your purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, “God has called me for this and for that,” you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, “Lord, this causes me such heartache.” To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy “world within the world,” and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being “frost-bitten.”

Sorry Jesus for wallowing in self pity. I forgot I prayed that I am at Your disposal. I am blessed in so many ways...Help me to focus on You and on You alone, not even on my own circumstances.

I love You. I guess Psalm 73:25 is the best prayer for what I feel right now. Thank You Jesus, I love You so much.

The Overshadowing of God's Personal Deliverance...

The Overshadowing of God’s Personal Deliverance
I am with you to deliver you,’ says the Lord —Jeremiah 1:8


God promised Jeremiah that He would deliver him personally— “. . . your life shall be as a prize to you . . .” (Jeremiah 39:18 ). That is all God promises His children. Wherever God sends us, He will guard our lives. Our personal property and possessions are to be a matter of indifference to us, and our hold on these things should be very loose. If this is not the case, we will have panic, heartache, and distress. Having the proper outlook is evidence of the deeply rooted belief in the overshadowing of God’s personal deliverance.

The Sermon on the Mount indicates that when we are on a mission for Jesus Christ, there is no time to stand up for ourselves. Jesus says, in effect, “Don’t worry about whether or not you are being treated justly.” Looking for justice is actually a sign that we have been diverted from our devotion to Him. Never look for justice in this world, but never cease to give it. If we look for justice, we will only begin to complain and to indulge ourselves in the discontent of self-pity, as if to say, “Why should I be treated like this?” If we are devoted to Jesus Christ, we have nothing to do with what we encounter, whether it is just or unjust. In essence, Jesus says, “Continue steadily on with what I have told you to do, and I will guard your life. If you try to guard it yourself, you remove yourself from My deliverance.” Even the most devout among us become atheistic in this regard— we do not believe Him. We put our common sense on the throne and then attach God’s name to it. We do lean to our own understanding, instead of trusting God with all our hearts (see Proverbs 3:5-6 ).

Been a While

Its 12:04 and in a few hours, I want to be up and about, on my knees, asking God for His favor as I go to work. It would be day two. I was not surprised hearing straight from the school principal's mouth that he was in full time ministry before. I had the impression he was day one. I was correct.

I really enjoyed his teaching today. Rhema hit home hard.
Sigh..I really miss the speakers in the computer.
I want to listen to some songs nowadays. Just like this one below-
Let me just save it in my blog so I can play it in the guitar tomorrow.

Lord Reign In Me
Written by Brenton Brown
AbABbBCC#DEbEFF#G

VERSE 1:
C G F G
Over all the earth, You reign on high
C G F G
Every mountain stream, every sunset sky
Am7 G F G Dm7
But my one request, Lord, my only aim
F G F/G C
Is that You'd reign in me again


CHORUS:
G F G C
Lord, reign in me, reign in Your power
G F G Am
Over all my dreams, in my darkest hour
G F G Dm7
You are the Lord of all I am
F G C G F G Am7 G F
So won't You reign in me again


VERSE 2:
C G F G
Over every thought, over every word
C G F G
May my life reflect the beauty of my Lord
Am7 G F G Dm7
'Cause You mean more to me than any earthly thing
F G F/G C
So won't You reign in me again


Goodnight,

Jehovah Jireh

I remember when as a kid, I would love clapping along the song Jehovah Jireh, especially when reaching that part, "for me! for me!" This song has been playing in my mind for several weeks now, especially after the pastor sang it in his pulpit. Rhema, after a long time. My soul was already protesting repeatedly that it was high time to lay aside all the information overload from the Internet and private research. It does benefit me in so many ways when church sermons are skillfully wound with substantial information but rhema is better. Nothing beats rhema of course. Now this brings me to some thinking, perhaps my heart was not it a state of hearing properly. Was it so? Was my heart hardened in those past weeks that I heard nothing? Who knows, it must have been the other way around.

His grace is sufficient for me..
Looking up in Wiki, I learn that Jehovah Jireh is a specific spot in the land of Moriah where God told Abraham to offer his son Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham named this place after Jehovah provided a ram to sacrifice in place of Isaac.

How wonderful that with the grace of God, we have everything we need or desire because HE is enough. HE is sufficient for our needs. And these needs are all encompassing. Whether it be food on the table, confidence in a new job, people skills, decisions, crossroads, world peace or simply what to say.. from the simplest to the most profound.

and so I remember Whom have I in heaven but Thee, there is nothing on earth I desire besides Thee... and God will rescue her just at the break of dawn.

Let me sing-

Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
His grace is sufficient for me, for me, for me!
Jehovah Jireh, my Provider
His grace is sufficient for me.
My God shall supply all my needs
According to His riches and glory
He will keep His angels
Charge over me
Jehovah Jireh cares for me.

Realizations

Its 8:15 in the morning and, realizations come to me one by one. I wonder if its due to my lack of sleep the whole night, the red blotch beside my nose or junkfood overload yesterday. Mum, A.M. and I are supposed to be meeting up for breakfast at crossroad. We can't. A.M. is there with K.E., T.N. and Aki instead... I sigh in sadness that its them not mommy and I having breakfast together with Akira.

Her decision to abandon my parents when she gave herself up for adoption has had so many repercussions-first to her, to her biological parents and lastly to significant others like Joey and myself.

I must counter these thoughts with scripture. I must recite verses...

And I must concentrate on Charles Stanley's preaching.

Bye blog, thanks for listening.

Talk

I notice how I have changed. I used to speak better than I do now. I guess I really am an auditory learner. Ever since I began work and school, the endless toil of school-related activities hardly left me the chance to watch good movies or even surf through channels after a long day's work. I know I dont speak the way I did, like how I used to sound when I was in college. Back then, I also had tons of work, chores, mostly but somehow I still found time. Must be due to my constantly hearing Ate Mitos ramble just about anything. She loves to talk and I would always listen...

I better go. Its a realization I find helpful now that I just signed a contract. I might be an English teacher in the elementary grades and, I need to polish on my English-grammar, writing, and speaking of course.

I know I can still improve. I can do all things through Christ which gives me strength...

Hiding Place

Hiding Place, the Lover of my soul, the Perfecter of my faith, I come to You as I type. I signed my contract today and in the deepest recesses of my heart, I did it for You. I acted in faith that You were prompting me to do this. I trust You completely. I put all my hope in Your most powerful Name. I come armed with education and experience teaching in the early grades, and now, this is a different feat altogether. I know I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. For God is able to do immeasurably beyond all that we ask or imagine by the power that works within us and all things work together for good to them who love God and are called according to His purposes.

Shepherd of my soul, surely goodness and mercies shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forevermore. Because of Your great love we are not consumed. They are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness Oh Lord.

Teacher at Work

I had the opportunity to work in a preschool with a mainstreaming program for a good seven years. To be exact, I handled classes with multi- age groupings for five years. The two years were parttime commitments due to my preoccupation with graduate school. Balancing time between school and work responsibilities can be nerve-wracking at times and at the end of the day, you'd know that you were not able to give your best in either.

Everyday teaching was no easy feat at all. As Forest Gump puts it, "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.." So was my day to day, week after week and, yearly experience.

It was a very small class size composed of a maximum of thirteen children and every year, three children with special needs would be included in my roster. Two would be specifically diagnosed and the third one, usually an outsider, would come up with a condition I could'nt exactly pinpoint, but having had the opportunity to work with different kinds of children, veteran teachers and even the children themselves would have an inkling when a child is in need of scaffolding regular schooling alone cannot provide.

Since their condition is also marked by difficulties in speech and communication, they repeat their words. They have a hard time saying what is called for in a specific situation. Some hardly utter a word or two, or mumble with everyone around left clueless with their undecipherable messages. It would take a trained ear and constantly being around them to understand what they mean. Their gaze wander and the inability to make prolonged eye contact seems to be the norm. Some cry for no reason at all or throw tantrums when the class schedule is interrupted or completely changed. They can be sensitive to sound and afraid of just about anything. At the extreme opposite end, there are those who are still and quiet, seemingly unmindful of the goings on around them. It was always a challenge to make them come alive to take on active roles in the group.

The other children in my classroom learned to be more patient and accepting of different kinds of behavior and personalities. Many times, it would simply mean letting people be. I know they will bring this understanding of others when they go out to become part of bigger school settings and groups of people, because I did.

The mainstreamed kids in my classroom were always a mystery. They had their own way of doing things. They were amusing and fun to be with. Its been two years since I left that school but their odd ways keep me smiling to myself while I am alone in the bus sometimes. There were challenging days, yes, but those days repeatedly introduced me to myself as a teacher.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The will of God involves giving our lives for the sake of others.“Christ’s vicarious deeds and particularly his death on our behalf, become in turn the principle and model of the self-sacrifice that makes community possible... the church is the church only when it exists for others.”-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I successfully did a demo teaching in a Chinese Christian school today. To God be the glory! Because of His great love, we are not consumed. Great is His faithfulness.
The offer is good enough, I just don't understand the six days a week work schedule. How will I prepare for my lessons? Does this mean I will be giving up my Reading Workshop Saturdays?

On my way home, boarding a jeepney to Pag-asa, I met my former elementary schoolteacher. She happens to be my homeroom teacher when I was in grade six. She was all of a sudden explaining how to become a principal in a public school. Amazing how a masteral degree can do that for me!

Up to this day, I remember what it would be like to attend classes in one of the biggest public schools in Quezon City. The bathroom reeks with urine, the stench unbearable, chairs were lacking, the cramped rooms worsened the heat summer brings save for the humid air a single wall fan provides. I did my data gathering there and almost everyday, I would be weeping on my way home. My heart melts knowing that 90% of Filipino school children go to public school and until now, such despicable state breaks my heart each time I recall my three-week stint.

I do love to teach and sometimes, if I could only afford it, I would like to teach in the public school, maybe in grade one. I can imagine bringing all my storybooks, have a screen installed in the door and in the windows as an ounce of prevention against dengue. I would have lots and lots of crafts for the children, lots and lots of poetry and immersion in English as a second language so that they would understand the textbooks predominantly written in English. They would be lovers of words and life. Numbers will not become a threat and they will be full of dreams beyond them.

Sigh. I know I have the tendency to burden myself with the things I cannot solve completely. I do want to do something, however small or seemingly insignificant.
I continue to seek Your heart Oh God. I continue to seek Your face.

Please bless PACE and the kind principal who interviewed me today.

Lord, You are my Shepherd. Please direct my paths..

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

You are sovereign dear Lord.

Goals

Goals for 2010. I should have goals. Lord, I commit these goals to you..

1. malunggay juice everyday
2. consistent bible study and prayer in the mornings
3. gainful employment by May 2010
4. finish one book a month

Should I or Should I not?

I always get caught between two roads, always have to make decisions and it always takes me almost forever to make them. Ooops, duty calls and so I should go downstairs and attend to her.

They are on their way home- ma, K Tong, Alf, Grace and the two kiddos who went on a roadtrip. Still searching and praying for God's direction. What's next Lord? I also want to try teaching college. I just don't know where. That, or teach grade one in a school with a multicultural setting. Just to put to good use everything that I have learned this past two years.

God, please make me what You want me to be. Bring me to where You want me to go. Not what I want but what You want. Not my direction but Yours. I do not want to oppose Your perfect will and Your perfect plan for me. I ask for Your peace. I do not want to fret Lord. I do not want to fret. I rest in Your promises. I rest in Your faithful word.

Signing off now.
Later,

Monday, Monday

Monday, Monday. Gee, where did that come from and why did that line cross my mind? I type as I think as if I am talking as a I think. No holds barred. I am talkative, if I may say, and I am too writeative if there were such a term. Well there is now, as I coined it just now. Ahhh... I remember! That song by Mamas & Papas.. but wait, let me google the lyrics. Ooops, its such a tearjerker after all. A broken heart's tale. Never mind. Its the melody and sense of nostalgia that hums along in the background that appealed to me. It reminds me of Sundays when I used to stay with my sisters'. We used to listen to this hour-long program over the radio where they play old time hits by the Beachboys, Mamas and Papas, The Critters and so forth. We'd sing along and dance a bit too. Memories. Good ones :-)

Anyway, its the last Monday of the first month of 2010 and I haven't set goals for the year yet. I was reminded to make one after hearing our pastor's preaching. I also chanced upon a blogger's list and I was inspired! I think I should make mine. So here it goes. think I should make a list for February first.

Here's a list of short term goals:

1)Pray more regularly. Spritual disciplines should be on the top list. Be consistent with bible reading too.
2)Fast at least once a meal everyday.
3)Cut down on high glylcemic carbohydrates such as white rice and all white flour
products. Oh-oh. :-( First, I need to wage a war with guama's irresistible yummy
cheese upcakes from Kido's.
4)Concoct malunggay shake everyday. Drink once a day. Just pure fresh malunggay
without sugar, mind you.
5)Read and finish one book every month. For now, finish "The Search for
Significance."
6)Take some online IQ tests. Improve grammar by reading and studying. Study! Study!
7)Get more organized.
8)Get rid of all the clutter in the bedroom.
9)Open an account with Chinabank.
10)Be more respectful to parents.
11)Think twice, thrice before opening my mouth.
12)Less passing on of judgement please.
13)but Lord, I know how # 12 is always dependent on #1.
14)Watch more movies.
15)Have a good laugh everyday.

This is all for now..