Its late Sunday afternoon and nobody's home. Its dimly lit downstairs and only the sofa lights are switched on to fight the creeping darkness of the night. Here Iam upstairs in the bedroom as I sit in front of my trusted confidante-this PC keeps me company as I have no one to talk to right now. I try to talk to my soul and so, I am playing youtube music as I type. I was reading a while ago. Thanks to the library folks who graciously extended permission for us to return the book at a much later date than expected. I put my book down on the sofa. I must be halfway, I felt like turning back to some chapters I want to sink myself more into. I am reading on meditation.
How much I need God! I want to know God more. I want to withdraw myself from the froth and bubble of everyday, if I may borrow the author's words. I long to listen, cock my ears to that still voice that will quiet my longings, answer my questions, assure me of my apprehensions and fill my soul with quiet content. Not in my own strength. Never in my own power. I believe God sees my desires. Inspite of the bad aroma my attitude diffuses every now and then. I wrestle at the evils lurking in my mind and in my heart Lord. I wish my heart were unfeeling, unthinking of all these negativity. I wish I would stop inflicting unnecessary emotional burdens to anyone with my stinky thinking, my better than thou demeanor, my quick to judge presumptions.
Father, this post has become a prayer altogether. I plead Thee for a changed heart. And as I pray this, I know too well that You will choose to answer in ways I do not comprehend. But Lord, if there is anything that gets in the way of my being a blessing to others, do take it away, take it away! It tears me altogether, knowing too well that I am being a pain, a bitch at times. They do not deserve it Lord. Father, I beg of You. I know that You will answer in Your goodness, mercy and love.
My heart is kneeling right now, in complete surrender for Lord, I cannot change apart from You. Please break the wall between my and my sister-in-law. How we need to be a bit closer, not for us, but for her mother-in-law who does know You yet.
I whimper, my tears are streaming down my cheeks.
Lord I can do all things through Christ which gives me strength.
Blued, Blued Away....
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